everynight i sit here smoking my cigarette by my window doing the same things i usually would, thinking about the same thing i usually would. then there are the things i can't seem to begin to understand, then fighting my way out to avoid them. i thing about how others have the different problems yet ultimately the same. this is my first real post on this blog and probably the first real attempt and exposing myself to myself. ive always had everything easy in life yet i try my best to make a problem of it, giving myself unnecessary difficulties, constantly reminding myself that this is not about the perception of me but is about me. the act of having to do this is to already have been defeated. i never considered myself a liar but neither would a liar. its not about what i lie about but why it is i lie and if i knew that i wouldnt be here, again just stating the obvious and avoiding the real problem. maybe i take my fortune for granted or maybe i dont and ive found a reason to hate myself for it. still im beating around the bush and dont have the nuts to see what the fuck i am. ive become a mental projection of self that is anything but self. why am i a slacker to the point it make me want to pull my hair but end up running my hand through it. or should i ask what made me so before why. actually why doesnt fucking matter making. what the fuck am i going to do about it is what i should be asking. do about what? i still dont know and ill never know if i keep trying so hard to avoid it. so its not that im lazy to anything. im trying my best to avoid myself, looking for things to distract myself with claiming to be a mode of expression and a representation of what i feel.if it were true, why dont i know what i feel. not that bullshit im bored, happy, having fun fleeting bullshit but the feeling i get when im smoking my cigarette imagining up stories about anyone and their lives and own problems. my head can never seem to stop running. and once ive even begun to approach something with substance in dealing with myself, i suddenly "forget" what i was thinking about and i wouldnt be able to remember even if i tried. i just seem to "forget" about whatever it is that i need to remember. what was it that i shoved into the dark corners of my thought bank that i never want to withdraw. what about it am i avoiding and why do i fear it so. at every attempt of liberation my mind goes blank and my train of thought disappears. its possible what ever mental trauma that has afflicted me-- if it was even trauma -- has forced itself out of existence. maybe ive become a blank canvas because the things once painted on me were not by my own hands, but by a hot brand. maybe i branded myself. i would instinctive act in a way that contradicts what i want and kick myself for it in the end, left feeling powerless against my own conditioned responses. conditioned by who? doesnt matter but for some reason ive accepted and embraced them as my personal defense mechanisms. am i hurt? am i afraid of being vulnerable? or afraid of showing my vulnerability? putting up a front that i dont need anything or anyone and that i am self sufficient and couldnt care less about anything but me. im selfish. am i jealous of someone? that i would forsake my own ability and potential so that i would not have to share my success with anyone? that even if i fail it would be my own failure and no one would want to share that with me. am i greedy, a miser? what is my problem why dont i want to achieve why dont i know what i want. i dont give a flying fuck about being a PA. so its not surprising that im unmotivated at that. so what do i want. what is it that has me rapt so much so that i block everyone around me out just so i can fucking make sense of it in my head. i dont even fucking use what i learn from my deep thoughts or whatever preconceived understanding that i think i grasped. am i lonely. how can i not be when everyone around me is another shell of their former spirited selves afraid of reaching out and exposing what they are creating a picturesque being that is safe to assume will be accepted by their peers. there i go again casting the spotlight onto others and relieving myself of my liberation. what momentary relief is worth a life of pain and emptiness. what momentary hardship is worth a joyous and full life? any should be. and im struggling god knows im struggling. praying this and that would just be another distraction and being a transient calmness but that wont solve me. eventually it would be an empty habit and meaningless ritual. its been done and ive seen it with my own eyes. this is not the islam that i am reaching for. it is not the islam that was sent for the people. i cannot even begin to pray at the state i am in. i would have to need it so bad that it would drive me crazy. so why dont i. this gets me angrier than anything. about myself. i hate inattentiveness, heedlessness, ignoring, orders, demands, the faithless. i hate dumb fucks who cant understand anything, have no consideration for another save when it concerns themselves. maybe i hate my mom. yes she works very hard for me and i appreciate it but sometimes i think shes so fucking thick and dense and talks too much and takes what she wants of what she hears. maybe i want to fail just so spite her and work a dead end job living in a one room apartment eating cup noodles all day just so i can say fuck that. this is alright too. maybe i just have a problem with authority. maybe i just need someone to talk to. but REAL not the bullshit fake smiled pleasantries that we now call conversation. maybe ive lost all hope in humanity. have i lost hope in myself? what does it mean to be human? to me it is the bonds you create, maintain, ended. yet i dont have any of those. i once thought i did but he is now a shell of his former self. maybe he was sick of being in my shadow. maybe its because ive always considered him to be in my shadow. i never hated him or looked down on him for it, nor were we always like this but now that im trying to perfect my own islam and im thinking beyond the book, he doesnt seem to understand me anymore, what im doing or what i say or what i mean. yet he always agrees and says "that's true" and i hate that the most. if people would just be true to themselves and not try and look like they get everything at first glance and actually ask for something to be repeated or reworded and explained one more time and just talk shit out without having to doubt themselves and feel the need to falsely enrich oneself in any way to feel like theyve met the standard. meet the standard for fucking what? this isnt a fucking ride at a park that people only 5 feet off the ground can board. GE THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES AND JUST BE. WHO DA FUCK REALLY CARES.
